I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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