Please, let me fuck your mom
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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