Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
