I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
