Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he shaved USA in his pubs
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
