I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
