I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
