I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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