He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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