Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
