Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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