perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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