my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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