The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're making bets on your personal life
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
