he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she peed on how many people?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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