i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
