Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
