Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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