I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
