You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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