I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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