I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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