My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
