So drunk its hurt
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
