i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
be right there i have to get my cape
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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