so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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