Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
