So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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