Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
