What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
