GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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