I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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