I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
