I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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