when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
A+ Viking dick
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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