My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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