I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
