put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
oh god the rape fog is back!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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