Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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