Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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