Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
