Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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