bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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