I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Randomize
