now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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