there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
