Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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