Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
