I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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