be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
