$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
