I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
